This is Where My Heart Lives...

I miss this more than anything imaginable right now. I would give so much to just go sit on a boulder in a forest full of aspen trees and wildflowers and squabbits and just soak it all in. I miss crew a lot too. I'm so sad I'm not going back this summer, I wish I could experience that again. I've never experienced such genuine longing as I do for Colorado and those mountains and those people at Eagle Lake. It's amazing how much of an impact Colorado and Eagle Lake have made on my life, and I'm SO SO glad God used THOSE experiences to teach me and reveal himself and shape me through that. I'm SO grateful. I love the desires that God has put in my heart, even though it's frustrating when all I can do is long for them. I feel like I need to go out there and just sit in the midst of His glorious creation and just soak it all in and completely refresh myself. One day I'll make it out to Colorado to live for at least a short time, but until then I guess I'll have to keep visiting. =) Bahhh.

Escape

I think I'm a coward. I'm one of those people whose immediate reaction to a problem is to run. Just, escape- to get away completely and leave any difficulty behind. I also think another factor in this is my "need" for comfort and convenience. Working through a bad situation takes time and effort-and possibly even emotional stability, which is where I think my comfort lies. I'm not quite sure why I avoid working towards a solution to an issue, maybe I don't want to risk being wrong(my pride is NASTY sometimes). Or maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm afraid of another's opinion, or being looked down upon. Either way, I'm pretty sure I'm a coward. Dictionary.com describes a coward as

1.a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.; a timid or easily intimidated person.


-Oh yes.

I've definately been told: "The thing about you is that as soon as it gets difficult, you're ready to run." It's so true. I'm am afraid of looking dumb, being thought of as a bad thing, being uncomfortable, hopeless even. I'm JUST afraid.Lame. I try so hard to run. I want to be somewhere else. I get so restless. I avoid the challenging. I'm lazy. I don't deal. How scary is that?! Passivity is scary. I'm pretty sure this is a direct effect of my lack of trust and satisfaction in Jesus. Even with my relationship with Christ I avoid addressing conflict. You know it's bad when you're passing up Jesus 'cause you don't feel like sacrificing something. Comfort-ugh. I have got to strive for something more. I can't let fear control me and I won't be unproductive. I've got to stop before I start living a life of excuses and running away from everything worthwhile for the sake of "stability" as I know it. I don't want to be flighty. Can you imagine me 15 years from now being this exact same way with a husband and children. What kind of message would that send to my kids? -to my husband? I don't want to sign up as a conditional wife and mother. I won't be. Maybe this whole husband-children thing is a stretch, but do you see what I mean? Plus, it will all catch up to me eventually-I know that full well. I need to actively make a decision to confront and deal and stick with it.

..Oh boy.

Blast to the Past =)

Haha! So I haven't written in my little blog thingy in TWO years. If you read the few posts below, they are HILARIOUS..just, amazing. I really need to start "blogging" again..and thats in quotes because my form of blogging tends to be venting...(which one day I'll learn to keep private as not to overwhelm everyone else around me)... =)

<--- I'm pretty sure that's what I looked like when I blogged last.

It's Getting Cold!!! YAY

Hello, loves. Its been a while since I've written in here hasn't it? Mmmm.. I am really starting to love the weather..its COLD. never before have I really appreciated cold weather until this fall season. I'm pretty sure its because of Colorado.. Plus, now I know how to stay warm *layers* and I can deff. take advantage of the cold weather and sit by a fire all curled up and warm, and even better when its with my love. Scott has said he feels like this is gonna be a good Christmas/winter..and I'm starting to agree with him. I think its mostly because I've learned to enjoy the cold. I'm only hoping that the things I want to do this winter will happen, like go to LA for recrewnion and see the people I've come to love like crazy even though I dont know them all too well. Or just go curl up outside in blankets by a fire with hot apple cider snuggled up with my love talking about God and life and beautiful things. Then there is the possiblity of snow, and how it smells (cause snow DEFF has a smell ) and the fun in getting out of school and playing in it. Then of course christmas, where church is beautfiul and there are candles and christmas carols and hotdogs beforehand and hayrides. Then new years, which usually is the beginning not only to another year but promises to yourself and friends and then the celebration of it all, and being excited of whats to come. Then theres just the whole scarf and gloves and hoodie thing that I LOVE because they are GREAT articles of clothing. hehehe. But I'm getting incredibley excited now that I'm really thinking about it all. The only bad thing is the lack of flowers. But for the moment I am more than content with nature simply because it's fall and the leaves are magnificant and its all so pretty. Then in november, the Cove, that beautiful place where many breathtaking things have happened to me that makes me think GOD all weekend that I'm there...it's just a God place. Then in Feb, theres 180 weekend which is always fun. Anyways, enough bout the cold and winterness. I am increasingly becoming more and more fascinated with the relationship Scott and I share. Its completely insane how well we can read into each other. It's almost becoming a mind game thing like "do you know what im thinking??" in which case I usually do. I mean its not as straightforward but I know when he is upset before he even SAYS anything about not being happy or he'll start to ask a question and ill already answer it and it will be TOTALLY off topic from what we were talking about yet I know what he was going to ask. its crazy...im still trying to figure out how it works, but it's cool. and when ever we say the same thing or think it we tend to always quote Brad from a wednesday night "You know when two high schoolers that are dating start acting like each other...well...."..ah fun stuff. but Thats not the only thing I'm fascinated by. I think im fascinated by how well we work together and how well we communicate and how much we simply just enjoy each other. It is amazing. And I'm finding more and more that he is an amazing character and I am yet to find anyone who dislikes him..which is pretty rare in a person i'd say. I am absolutely in love with his family. His mother is the sweetest person EVER and his dad is just funny and nice and I really reallly like him. And reese is just reese. hehe. I duno, just a nice thought.. but that is a great family, Mr. and Mrs. Bolte have done a marvelous job in my opinion....to me, that is definately something to achieve, like when I get older. That is the kind of family I want, a God centered COMPLETELY loving, great family which I'm glad I have their example since it seems like we're all surrounded by divorce and just nasty crap like that and i think theyre just a breath of fresh air. hehe. AH! So I'm starting to notice that God has a personality. I mean of course he does, he MADE personalities...WE have them but I'm just now starting to see different aspects of Him, which is really cool. Like gorgeous obviously (mountains, nature in general, ya kno.) , or say really good artist, lotsa different things to say there. But then he has a sense of humor or maybe he just likes being ironic in the way things play out in our lives like. Isn't it kind of ironic that the people who have the power to completely destroy us and make us DIRT tend to be the ones who love us more than anything and destroying us is the LAST thing they would want to happen to us? Yet those who want us completely torn down just cant do it. They maybe chisel some part of you but to completely knock us down...just doesnt work, they dont have that kind of power over us. I guess the ones who we love and love us are the ones we trust the most therefore giving them that power. I still think its cool. Then he's loving, obviously, and theres just so much there and hes so dynamic and theres so much that I dont even see and wont ever really know. Quite mystifying. Well Its 11:48 and I am quite tired.

Random comment...I MISS SKATTEBO!

-night loves.

OH yeah!! Happy Birthday Gracie (in like 12 minutes) hehe.

mY tHiRd bLoG..yeah im not real creative

Hi friends. So currently I have a thing for Shane and Shane...like they're kinda just on my ipod but ive actually been listenin to em nd i REALLY like the cd. It makes me think...or spurs on thoughts...I duno theyre deffff cool. (ahh getting distracted..im watching Wild Weddings..there are some COOL weddings that people have...hehe..ok turning off the tv) anywho. You know what's been on my mind lately. My mother. I dont want her to sound bad or anything cause she isnt..she is wonderful its just it seems sorta like she is only ready to give the negative advice. Dont get me wrong she does tell me when shes proud of me or that she's glad she has a "good kid" but I hate telling her stuff because it seems like all she will do is tell me what is wrong in the scenario..but i think what I dislike even more is when I tell her stories or about situations and she doesnt say anything. I know its her mom technique (cause she told me but..whatever) to not say anything so that way I will continue telling her stuff because if she says something I dont like then I might not tell her anymore..she learns things when I tell her stuff. but i would rather her just at least comment on things. it drives me crazy. but I feel like she especially looks down on my relationship with scott ..even tho i know she really isnt. she likes scott a lot and she thinks we have something def. worthwhile and positive and a "good friendship" as she calls it but she NEVER comments on anything cept once when she said I was too clingy to scott, which, I deff. can be. but that was once. I can't talk about scott because she doesnt say anything and i feel like condesending thoughts go on in her head or something...I feel like she doesnt like us because shes afraid that we're too close and that we will end up hurting one another bad...or that there is definate hurt potential there but i dont think she realizes that we are serious about our relationship and we wouldnt let it fall all so easy..it would take a lot...and it would be a gradual downfall if any at all. I dont know. but anyways just any situation she seems to find the bad which always is "the view from the outside". i duno I understand her side of things it just really bothers me. which is why i tell stories to other people....instead of her. I think gilmore girls makes me want to be able to talk to my mom fer real..but then I try and i get frustrated and remember why I didnt want to try in the first place...gah this is too cliche..a teenage girl having issues with her mother....i hate cliche. hehe. cept this is different cause i think she is slightly oblivious to my frustration....but who knows. here, ill end on a good note. i love my mother.she is excellent at mothering me and she is lovely.i like her.
moving on. hehehe. so tomarrow I'm going to the crate to learn how to work there from Kate so I can be her lil temporary fill in person when she needs me which is lovely. that should be cool. I have such a busy weekend. I really just want to sleep. and my mom is in hilton head so im at my dads tonight which is cool cause im not usually at his house on school nights. maybe he'll let me skip tomarrow! hehe. jk. i have to be there for my group in english..anyways. oo today. I woke up at 7:45 , yall i REALLY did not want to get up ..i was SO warm and just comfortable and it was just painful...so then I had biology and we did a lab and got hw outta the way during class which was nice...then to math which went by excruciatingly slow (speaking of which i still have hw left to do) ...then we had FCA which was cool...I got pizza. yum. and people shared their testamonies and one of em was Jesse which was cool. You know whats weird. I really dont know him very well but I really like him. He just seems cool and approchable unlike a lot of people and he just seems like a really good guy. I think its just cause he actually will talk to me and say hey to me in the halls and tell me when frisbee is and not to say that other people dont its just something really friendly about him that makes him pleasant. I think the big part of it is cause I see God in him like crazy and it shows I guess. I dunno. tis odd. anywhos. heh. I love gummy bears..my dad always gets them for me and I LOVE THEM. Oh!! so I cried for the first time today over Crew & ELC. It was cause of Callie dearest's slideshow on her myspace and honestly it was the environment and scenery that made me START crying..just waking up every day to mountains and crisp cold morning air and the most amazing people in the world was incredible and I just realized how much I missed it...exactly 2 months ago we left ELC...it feels like so much longer. I would do so much just to be there now...heck Id hike UP the canyon if I had to to get there! hehe. but just thinking of elc is making me tear up but I will fight the tears. hehe. I miss the counselors SO much...like anna and keri and kelsey and jason...they were awesome and they did SO much for all of us and they all had so much to contribute to everything and i just miss hanging out with them and going to them to talk about any and everything. I realized scarily enough that i miss emilio like crazy. and just horse crew and I would give so much just to be dirty because of shoveling horse poop for 4 hours and happy as anything cause we just had the coolest conversation while doing so. I miss the crazy colorado weather...and the horses and the painting (walls and people...and barley....) and JESSI!!!! and mandy and the awesome places to do quiet times ( on a big rock on the hill by the barn) and the encouragement everyone gave to everyone and all the "YEAH CREW!!!!" 's and all the guitars and singing of "your beautiful" and washing pots and pans after dinner andmaking campers their b-fasts on wed. mornings. and actually feeling needed and actually having a full day of doing stuff. I miss brandon so much. he is one amazing guy. and kayla cause we'd have awesome conversations and SLEEPING UNDER THE STARS OUTSIDE OF THE TENTS = amazing....soooo many stars and so cold and waking up with dew all over the sleeping bag and pillow...gahhh i miss it...and hiking up to the cross at 4:30 only to realize the sun doesnt rise til 5:45 ish...hehe. that was awesome. its crazy to think how much God has given us. how many amazing things he's blessed us with... AND he's provided a way to live with him eternally and just SO MUCH for us...yet we are SO undeserving...thats love right there. golly He is incredible.

I think im off to do math hw...cause I really need to before I get sleepy....

love you all who read this...

-nc

Hmm...

So. hows life? I really don't know what exactly I wanna write about I just know I feel like blogging about any and everything. I guess first I'll tell you about my day...and honestly at the moment I'm telling myself about my day because right now nobody knows I have one of these but soon enough I'll probably put the link on my myspace or something. ANYWAY. so first I went to biology and frankly I dont remember what we did other than we did a lab. woo hoo. then Algebra 2 actually went by a lot faster than I imagined it would...then lunch I went to an interact club meeting which interact seems like it will be pretty cool. thennnnn I went to english and i REALLY like my english class cause it flies by and my teacher is awesome and its just fun. then I got outta keyboarding early (2:30) cause I went to the doctor for a check up thing and I WENT BY MYSELF...my mommy wouldnt come. which is weird cause shes always been there so I had to fill out all the papers by myself and I didnt know half the info but thats okay. so then i had my lil check up thing and im stil 5'3 or whatever and im still 119 lbs and im still healthy and all is well...AND i got cool bandaids!!!! one was cause they pricked my finger (hehe) and i gotta sparkley silver one and then one was for a second chicken pox shot so i wont ever get it fo sho and i got the tazmanian devil dude bandiad..it was loverly. but anywho i then proceeded to church where brad ordered PIZZA! and I got the leftovers...but then scott n the band kids had to meet with brad so me kyle n sophie went to my daddys house n got money then went to cvs and then to wendys and i got food and i was happy..then we went back to church and ate and played baseball with big plastic balls that you would find in a drug store or walmart or somethin and a toliet plunger....hehe. twas fun. but church was good and stuff n then I came home and now this is what im doing. hehe. wow I'm having a weird conversation with kyle...fun stuff. i like weird but fun conversations. For some reason I feel like naming all of the lovely things that I love...theyre all coming to mind..and most of these give me direct thoughts to God which is why I love them so much...hmmm...starting with...God,mountains, flowers, clouds, pebbles, trees, rivers/streams, fog, sunrise and sunset, a morning breeze, rain, when it looks kinda redish outside before the sunset or after it rains, grass, rocks..BIG rocks, twigs, horses, fall leaves, people, deep conversations, laughing,randomness, singing, pretty music, the sound of the mandolin, long flowy skirts, the word lovely (my favorite), coffee, smoothies, mcalisters, friendships, love, peace, joy, the color green, disney, bras (thats a weird one i know...but i really do like them), anna skattebo, crew & elc, scott bolte and our whole relationship, lexis whitten, ALL OF MY FRIENDS --dont wanna name em all, frisbee..all kindsa stuff..but now I have other things to talk about.

God-the most lovely subject of all. I dislike how to some people not doing a devotion daily means my relationship with God is slipping. I mean it very well may be but I don't see it that way at all. My problem is that I dont feel like sitting down and reading the bible. I dont mind singing or listenin to music or any other form of worship and it feels like enough for me but apparently its not enough in everyone elses opinion which, is important to me becasue its coming from people I love, but still not completely affecting how I do things. I def. understand and believe that I need to read the bible to learn more and be able to apply more to my every day life and to get to know God more its just every so often that I actually want to READ and comprehend..because I dont do enough of that during the day at school..(sike)..I dont know...and I know a big way that God shows himself is through the bible..I mean his own words, rules to live by, etc. and I deff. want to get into it more its just that factor of wanting to take the time to do so. I pray that I'll get to know him more and that he'll show himself to me more and more and to put a deeper desire to get to know him in my heart..and the desire is there its just I think i sorta need to take that extra step to get to know him..I feel like everything is right in front of me I'm just kinda ignoring it. I duno...will yall pray for me on that. Cause I really want a deeper relationship with God and I want to be more firmly rooted in him. Moving on...ya know what else kinda gets me. Is how we were created to bring glory to God and live a life FOR HIM. yet we have all come SO far from why we are here. we worry so much about us and all around us and it seems like we just forget why we are really here on earth and the fact that God is using us some way..that we arent here for us and what we want and what we get or feel ...and thats deff. not the first thing I think of every morning "how can I glorify God today" (although that would be AWESOME..i should start doing that.lol) but I mean I rarely think about the fact that nothign here really matters other than the fact that God created me for a reason and that I'm made to serve for him and love like him and glorify him. Its just crazy to think that a WHOLE LOT of stuff we have here on earth doesnt help us glorify god and in a lot of cases it really DOESNT glorify him at all. and to think that we are so wrapped up in all this crazy nonsense material things that dont do anything for us other than bring temporary happiness when we could be finding our eternal joy in God and I really want to work on that just cause I know that I would rather focus on a lot of material/temporary things than focus on God a lot of times which I really dont like and I want to be able to push all of that aside and honestly realize that God is what my life should be completely and honestly and wholeheartedly based on..and nothing else. I really want to pay more attention to that all the time...which is weird cause it seems like I should give my full attention to God all the time and everyhting else is secondary..(actually it doesnt seem like that....it IS exactly that) and its just ...weird that we have come so far from God being our #1 focus in life. And Ive been thinking ive had my priorities straight for a while now..but i think im starting to see that I really dont. cause i do put a heck of a lot before God....but anyway. my ramblins..hehe. I'm really excited bout the sunday night group (the girls study with april n hilary n stuff), my group with joyous,kailey,n jenna.., serving in the nursery and special friends part of church, the occasional spiritual meeting with scott, and just I have SO much to look forward to this year and I'm hoping that I can grow like crazy in God and just see more and more of him as I grow in him...

ok im defffff going to bed now...hour past the bedtime i wanted to be asleep at....hehe

love yall
-nc

Wooohoo!

I gotta blogger! Heh..I'm deff gonna write more later. yessss.