Escape

I think I'm a coward. I'm one of those people whose immediate reaction to a problem is to run. Just, escape- to get away completely and leave any difficulty behind. I also think another factor in this is my "need" for comfort and convenience. Working through a bad situation takes time and effort-and possibly even emotional stability, which is where I think my comfort lies. I'm not quite sure why I avoid working towards a solution to an issue, maybe I don't want to risk being wrong(my pride is NASTY sometimes). Or maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm afraid of another's opinion, or being looked down upon. Either way, I'm pretty sure I'm a coward. Dictionary.com describes a coward as

1.a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.; a timid or easily intimidated person.


-Oh yes.

I've definately been told: "The thing about you is that as soon as it gets difficult, you're ready to run." It's so true. I'm am afraid of looking dumb, being thought of as a bad thing, being uncomfortable, hopeless even. I'm JUST afraid.Lame. I try so hard to run. I want to be somewhere else. I get so restless. I avoid the challenging. I'm lazy. I don't deal. How scary is that?! Passivity is scary. I'm pretty sure this is a direct effect of my lack of trust and satisfaction in Jesus. Even with my relationship with Christ I avoid addressing conflict. You know it's bad when you're passing up Jesus 'cause you don't feel like sacrificing something. Comfort-ugh. I have got to strive for something more. I can't let fear control me and I won't be unproductive. I've got to stop before I start living a life of excuses and running away from everything worthwhile for the sake of "stability" as I know it. I don't want to be flighty. Can you imagine me 15 years from now being this exact same way with a husband and children. What kind of message would that send to my kids? -to my husband? I don't want to sign up as a conditional wife and mother. I won't be. Maybe this whole husband-children thing is a stretch, but do you see what I mean? Plus, it will all catch up to me eventually-I know that full well. I need to actively make a decision to confront and deal and stick with it.

..Oh boy.